The Most Awkward Lapdance Songs in the History of Music

I saw this topic on an A.V. Club Message Board and figured I could take a stab at it.

Here we go:

"Dear Mama" by 2Pac Shakur

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something (this is actually just a horrible song to accompany anything, but it has a particularly heinous effect on my libido)

"You've Got a Friend in Me" by Randy Newman (off of the Toy Story Soundtrack. However "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Elton John for The Lion King is one of the absolute best songs to get a lapdance to. Weird.)

"Brick" by Ben Folds Five

"The Monorail Song" from The Simpsons

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" by Authors Unknown

"Losing My Religion" by R.E.M.

"Time of Your Life (Good Riddance)" by Green Day

"Iris" by Goo Goo Dolls (off the City of Angels Soundtrack)

"Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

"Cats in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin

"Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones

"Witch Doctor" by Alvin and the Chipmunks

"Candle in the Wind '97" by Elton John

"We Didn't Start the Fire" by William Joel

"Buffalo Soldier" by Bob Marley

"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick and Friends

"What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes

"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens

"O-o-h Child" by The Five Stairsteps

"La Bamba" by Richie Valens

"Streets of Philadelphia" by Bruce Srpingsteen

"Fire and Rain" by James Taylor

"End of the Road" by Boyz II Men

"All My Life" by KC and Jojo

"Under Pressure" by Queen with David Bowie

"Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum

"Istanbul (Not Constantinople)" by They Might Be Giants

"Just a Bill" from Schoolhouse Rock

"Cars" by Gary Numan

"Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera

Please add additional suggestions in the comments section.

Best Band Names Ever and The Bands' Ability To Live Up To The High Expectations That The Band Name Sets: An Exercise In Brevity

I'm experiencing serious blowback from the longer article I wrote today (see two posts below), so I'm indulging in some more digestible fare for everyone's sake. If I wanna write about strictly music or strictly food, I can use words that normally pertain to the excluded topic which will make my post seem in keeping with the theme of this blog.

See, this post is only about music, but because I used the words "fare" and "digestible", it reminds everyone that this website is about music AND food, if only superficially. I apologize for wasting everyone's time just now. BTW - if my blog was about religion and cigars, you can rest assured that you would see the phrase "holy smoke" pop up a maddening number of times. I'm not here to hurt myself.

Too often, music critics and enthusiasts get bogged down in the "substance" and "meaning" of things without spending enough time admiring the superficial qualities or "prettiness". And I don't mean the appearance of the band, as that can often lead to inane discussions about the representation and conveyance of their work. I mean their name. And how it looks on the cover of an album, in a really cool font. How the Justice's name is infinitely cooler because they spell "Justice" with a cross for the "t". Or how Tokyo Police Club sounds like the organization that Harrison Ford should have belonged to in Blade Runner. Nothing not awesome about that!

Without any further tardiness, I give to you the definitive list of Most Awesome Band Names Ever, in descending order of greatness.

Operation Ivy
The Soviettes
The Apples in Stereo
The Clash
LCD Soundsystem
Tokyo Police Club
Dropkick Murphys
Bouncing Souls
The Replacements
Rilo Kiley
Guided By Voices
Dance Hall Crashers
Method Man
The Pixies
Tegan and Sara
Wu-Tang Clan
Jurassic 5


But that only tells half the superficial story. Once a band picks out a killer name, the gauntlet is thrown down. With the weapon in hand (awesome band name, btw), what can they do with it? Can they live up to the name and the expectations it creates? Most of the time, no. Too often, good bands names are squandered by shitty bands that retroactively ruin the coolness of the name, forcing me to strike it down from the above list. Penn giveth and Penn taketh away. Just ask Widespread Panic. So here are the bands again, this time in descending order of their ability to live up to the cool name that they chose.

The Clash
Operation Ivy
The Replacements
The Pixies
Dropkick Murphys
The Apples in Stereo
The Soviettes
Bouncing Souls
Method Man
Tegan and Sara
LCD Soundsystem
Guided By Voices
Dance Hall Crashers
Rilo Kiley
Jurassic 5
Wu-Tang Clan
Tokyo Police Club

Tokyo Police Club takes the biggest hit in this whole affair cause you expect them to look like this: But they really look like this:

While unable to live up to the awesomeness due to their whiteness and Canuckery, they still kind of rock.

On a final note, you can name your band after yourself (and your sister) if you are lucky enough to be blessed with the most amazing name in the history of the world, Tegan Quin and, you and your twin sister are both lesbians.


So if you fit those criteria, go nuts.

Psychological Experiment #1: I Rank All The Candies For Sale At The 7-11 Below My Office While Listening to Fugazi

I took inventory of most of the candies at 7-11 yesterday during my lunch break. I decided to rank them while listening to Fugazi. The rankings go from most awesome to least awesome. In about a month, I will rank them while listening to Vampire Weekend and will track the changes. My theory is that listening to Fugazi makes me hate fruity things and that listening to Vampire weekend will make the fruity things jump to the top of the list. It's all very scientific, so forgive me if I don't dumb it down too much. If you run or manage a scientific or medical journal and would like to publish my study, please leave your contact information in the comments section of this article and I will instruct my psychological research assistants to get back to you in short order. If you own a candy company and would like to discuss the reason for your placement on the list, please contact the head of my candy research team via the comments section below. If you are a musician currently playing in Vampire Weekend and/or Fugazi and would like to play for the author of this blog at his Labor Day Barbapalooza BBQ Party, please leave your contact and agency information in the comments section. The Powerhouses Snickers with Almonds

Kit Kat

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Elvis Edition with Banana

Peanut M&M's

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Hershey's Chocolate Bar with Amonds

Twizzlers

Snickers

Haribo Gummi Bears

Starburst

Butterfinger

Reese's Pieces

Reese Sticks

Take 5

Peanut Butter Take 5 Tier 2

Sour Straws

Kit Kat Big Kat

Sour Patch Kids

Peanut Butter M&M's

Plain M&M's

Heath Bar

Payday

Twix

Nutrageous

Twix Peanut Butter

Whoppers

Hershey S'mores

Nestle Crunch

Fastbreak

Chunky

Skor

Chocolate Covered Payday

Charelston Chew

Whatchamcallit

Skittles

Dark Chocolate Snickers

Hershey's Chocolate Bar

Dark Chocolate M&M's The Bastard Candies

Baby Ruth

3 Musketeers

Mars

Milky Way

Hershey's White Chocolate Bar

Almond Joy

Mounds

Rolo's

Caremelo

Hershey's Kisses

Jujy Fruits

York Peppermint Patty

Jujubees My conclusion is this: It's best not to try to do things when listening to Fugazi.

Penn's Taxonomies of Food and Music

This article was written while the Author listens to Young Jeezy in preparation for tonight's concert. The Author doesn't believe this is particularly germane to the discussion below, but feels that it might add some levity to what would otherwise be a somewhat dry post. Look for Young Jeezy lyrics inserted through out the article. So, stop snitchin' and enjoy.

my muse

After both my Radiohead/Caviar post and the Hip-Hop/Fast food post, I began thinking about the compatibility of cuisine types and music genres. Strangely, it's a lot easier to compare a band with a dish than it would be a genre with a cuisine. Radiohead may be the musical equivalent of caviar, but what genre is the musical equivalent of diners? Does the founding premise of this website fall short when I try to examine both food and music from a more global perspective? With the economy and morale where it is, could the nation handle the possibility that the You Hear What You Eat system (previously established to be Penn's opinion) is fallible?

More importantly, if I discover that the system IS fallible and my comparisons are only apt in certain instances, do i have an obligation to sidestep the issue gracefully to provide stability and constancy for the sake of America? Torn in two directions by my phantom journalistic integrity and my phantom patriotism. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue. (Note: Author does not sniff glue).

Without further dalliance, let us examine the cuisine types as provided by Citysearch.com. Donuts. Italian. Hot Dogs. Eclectic/International. Greek. Noodle Houses.

Everything I do, I do it for my hood....

Pretty straightforward stuff. Most cuisines are simply named after their country of origin. Failing a distinct country of origin, the descriptor falls to whatever the most prominent menu item is. Hot Dogs. Noodles. Even when it gets more convoluted, it's pretty straightforward. Asian-fusion. Bistro. Dim Sum. While the fare might be slightly more cryptic, one still probably knows what they are in for.

Then, you have names that are beholden to the concept and atmosphere, rather than the fare. Diner. Fast food. Deli. Family.

From the forty or so listing that Citysearch has, you can toss in your descriptors, which are sometimes specific to the cuisine and sometimes not. Greasy Spoon. Red Sauce. Regional. Gourmet. Dive.

So much white it'll hurt your eyes...

Components of these cuisines remain the same. Tastes may change, but the Italian restaurant isn't going to serve biscuits and gravy to reflect evolving tastes.


If only music was so easy. As genres evolve and devolve, music classification changes with them. It often seems the genres are steeped in uselessness due to one of three reasons:

1. The genres are so specific that they do nothing to give a sense of context of the music.
   
2. The genres are so vague that they do nothing to give a sense of context of the music.
   
3. The genres are labeled to reflect the sensibilities of the listener, rather than the music.
   

Let's start broad. Pop music. This can be construed to be either all the music I listen to or none of the music I listen to. Fuck. The name means "popular music", and I'm still lost. So, it's either the stuff I don't listen to on KISS-FM or it's all forms of rock, dance, rap, R&B, which exhausts everything I listen to. Jessica Simpson or Jawbreaker. I'm gonna go with the Jessica Simpson extrapolation for the sake of populism, since I believe that most people are inclined to embrace the Top 40 definition of "Pop Music".

(Note: In determining the efficacy of this system, I will use the following test: If I use the musical equivalent to describe to a friend the type of cuisine that I desire, would the friend tell me to shut up or call me a name?)

Bitch, get ya mind right...

Let's try this one out with my phantom friend. Let's call him Montecore, after Sigfried and Roy's tiger.

Penn: I'm hungry.
Montecore: Where do you want to eat?
Penn: I will eat anything as long as it is very popular and ephemerally embraced by our culture.

Outcome: Montecore, the person, mauls Penn.

So the parallel fails in the instance of pop music.

15 years ago, this country was ass-deep in Alternative music. Ironically, what started as a descriptor for music that ostensibly defied classification became co-opted by very mainstream bands and media that wanted to harness the power of the fringe to legitimize themselves. We are seeing this with the terms "indie" and "emo" right now. These terms are exactly as fleeting and meaningless as "alternative" was by the time Dishwalla and Counting Crows dug their talons into it. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong. I feel strongly about this.

Flashlight in my eyes, muthafucka wants my registration...

How does this stack up in my restaurant-decision-conversation with Young Montecore?

Penn: I'm hungry.
Montecore: (licking the backs of his hands) Huh?
Penn: I said I'm hungry.
Montecore: Where would you like to dine?
Penn: I would like to eat something that defies classification. At an off-beat place that is different from all the places we normally eat.
Montecore: I would like to eat gazelle, so that totally works for me.

Outcome: Montecore delights in the idea of eating something different that deviates from the norm. Penn's ego and limbs remain intact. They eat at a place that incorporates different cuisines from different locales that reside on 34 degree north latitude line.

So one up and one down for the hopelessly vague musical genres. This may not prove to be the strongest stance I have ever taken on an issue.

Let's move on to the overly specific genres. Sophisti-pop? Shoegaze? Queercore? Hi-NRG? Ugh. Each of these genres consist of about 5 bands. In case you're curious, the bands that come to mind when I hear these genres are, respectively, Pinback, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Queers, and some crappy techno band I've never heard of before.

How does these over-classifications work in the culinary world?

Penn: I'm hungry.
Montecore: What kind of food do you want? I know this is going to sound crazy, but I could totally go for gazelle again!
Penn: I want southern food deconstructed with an urban gourmet sensibility. And I want to eat it in the gay part of town.
Montecore: I know a place like that!

Outcome: Penn and Montecore dine at Magnolia Tree, a soul food restaurant with one of the ten best wine lists in West Hollywood. They have a wonderful time.

You in the minor leagues, I'm a heavyweight
You try to sell your house, I own ya real estate...

Dining tastes are evolving to the point that concepts are becoming more and more specific, so the parallels between the extremely focused music descriptors and singular restaurant concepts are becoming more and more prevalent.

That leaves the third classification of music: those that the audiences project on the artists to label themselves rather than the music. World music. College rock. Gangster rap. World music is enjoyed by the Starbucks drinker who doesn't enjoy going to a second retail establishment, so they simply buy their CD's at Starbucks and pretend to be cosmopolitan. College rock is for people who are no longer comfortable admitting they like R.E.M or really wish that they had attended college. Both reasons are completely understandable. (Where do people who didn't go to college get turned on to college rock?) Gangster rap is for idiots and gangsters.

The above paragraph, like all my writing, is a gross oversimplification. There are people who genuinely like world music, though they will probably never get to see their favorite bands in concert. But the true believers are overshadowed by the douchebags who discuss fair trade coffee and conflict diamonds. And don't see the irony in sharing articles from Stuff White People Like. For every one true believer, there are 5 poseurs.

Are there true believers and poseurs when it comes to food and restaurants? Not really, but it's growing. It's still way easier to listen to a band you don't truly like than it is to eat a meal you don't truly like. But times are changing. People are throwing around words like locavore and organic because some people believe in the causes and some people want to be identified with them the same way idiots wear red kabbalah bracelets as fashion accessories.

I got my bankroll,
Sittin' on the corner like a lightpole

The point is, with both music and food, it doesn't really matter if people believe in the nuts and bolts of something. If they like the image, they will take it. Just like mixing a glass of red and white wine, everything turns pink and gets tainted or affected (depending on your POV).

Let us, once more, drop in on Montecore and Penn as they discuss their dining options.

Penn: I'm hungry.
Montecore: (Napping in the sun) Where would you care to dine?
Penn: I want to dine where the cool people dine.
Montecore: There's a macrobiotic place on Melrose that grows all their own food.
Penn: Wow. That's neat. i read about macrobiotic food in US Weekly!
Montecore: Celebrities! We're just like them!

Outcome: Penn and Montecore see the Olsen twins as they walk into their new restaurant find for a smart brunch.

Is this common? Do a lot of people feel this way when deciding where or what to eat? Not at all? But they will.

What does it all mean?

Unfortunately, not much. People are still much snottier about their music than their food. it can be seenin the light of people's projections, aspirations, and devotion to finding the "next big thing". This is happening in food culture more and more every day. People toss around terms like "molecular gastronomy" and palettes, the same way a record store clerk discusses noise rock. But it's still confined to the affluent, as eating obscure preparations of food from France requires a lot more money than listening to a progressive record by a band from France. And you can't steal the French food off the internet.

Was this entire article a misguided effort to find similarities were there aren't any? No. I didn't think the parallels would be there. I actually ended up finding more than I originally contemplated. And, in examining, found that food is moving closer to where music is (sophistication quickly becoming available to the masses).

Also, the parts with Montecore made me chuckle as I wrote them.

Best Hip-Hop Halfway Through 2008

The Rap Up offers a pretty interesting (and educational if you're like me and not too up on hip-hop) look at the first half of 2008. Time to brush up on some artists.

Fast Food Bands! Yay!

I've had a couple of brief conversations off-line (sad that I need to make that delineation) about my system for comparing bands to food. A couple questions I've received:

• Is it about luxury?
• Is it about the connotations of the taste or experience?
• Why do you base one comparison on something experiential, then go right ahead and compare another band based on public perception, then compare a third band to a food based the nature of the food's taste?
  

The answer to all of these questions is "Of course!".

There is no system and their never was. The system is hunch-based and can never be proven or disproven. But the null hypothesis is that I have blog and you probably don't, so if you want to disprove my hunches, go right ahead, but no one will ever know about it. It's a long null hypothesis.

We've established what bands are the chicken of the culinary world, so now let us foray into the world of quick-service restaurants. Fast Food.

Before we get into the bands, let's establish the utility and benefits of fast food (thanks Jeremy Bentham!). Before we identify the utility and benefits of fast food, let's define fast food. When I say fast food, I mean chains, normally with drive-thru's, but not always. So Sbarro lives to fight another day. And I don't mean the good chains. Like In-N-Out Burger, Whataburger, Taco Cabana, even Chipotle. These places are exceptional fast-food restaurants in that they are frequently devoid of shame and fatties. Except for Whataburger. Whataburger has a lot of fatties. They all use relatively fresh ingredients and are places at which I could see myself going out of my way, albeit not very far, to dine.

I'm talking about places to which you either are or feel, relegated . I use the word "relegated" in this blog fairly frequently because I think it's endemic of what's wrong with American dining. It's not an issue of health, but an issue of apathy. Diet Coke, American Cheese, fries with every meal, people who don't want to think, but just want to put crap in their body that can taste good but is just...boring.

Getting back to my point about utility, I think these boring chain restaurants (McDonald's, Taco Bell, and their ilk) serve a purpose. They are a good place to eat when you have no other options. If you are out of time, or need a place nearby, you can always go to McDonald's. It can even be a unique, interesting experience if one goes infrequently enough. And oh, the eye candy!

But they aren't anyone's favorite restaurants, except for little kids and older folks who have all but thrown in the towel in the game of life.

So why do people eat at them so often? I heard once (don't know if it's true) that McDonald's served 1 out of 3 breakfasts in the United States. Ugh. I guess I understand that when you are on your way to work, you aren't exploring new dining options. But for lunch? Or dinner? Why wouldn't your favorite restaurant be the one at which you dine most frequently? Cause you're lazy. Or you simply can't afford your favorite foods all the time. That's why. And I am too. Though I don't eat much fast food in the traditional sense, I get a lot of food delivered, even if it isn't my favorite. Which is a pretty awesome sign of laziness.

Let's see if I can tie this pontification into a cogent discussion of music in the same vein.

So let's see: Easy, ephemeral, ultimately unsatisfying. Instinctively, I would go with hip-hop. Hip-hop may have changed the world, but it was the collective effort of (largely) disposable artists. It was the culture as a whole the affected change, rather than the work or a small group of artists. While it could be said that McDonald's singlehandedly created its landscape in the same vein as the pioneers of hip-hop created theirs, both those happened a while ago. Let's get more current for the sake of discussion and salvaging my argument.

15 years ago, I was 13. And I was making 13 year-old money. As such, I had to perform triage every time I stepped into a record store. While I would splurge for the occasional album, for every one of those, I would purchase cassette singles to get the most bang for my $2.99. And if I hadn't burned those incriminating singles years ago, you would have found the absolute dregs of pop "music". Weird Al, Quad City DJ's, late-era Michael Jackson, Wreckx-n-Effect's "Rump Shaker" (which was actually the first popular song penned by Pharrell).

Hip-hop has been a genre geared toward the single, rather than the album, which makes for a breeding ground of one-hit wonders that disappear from the popular consciousness while they are still embedding themselves in it. The amount of rap represented in my singles collection was way higher than it was in my album collection. Cause I wanted something I could digest and move past fairly painlessly. Granted, I could have done the same thing with other pop genres, but the filler on rap albums has always lent the genre to being the most single-friendly.

Easy? It was played on the radio all the time. I didn't have to hurt myself gaining awareness of Positive K. He was just kinda there, not unlike fast food. Ephemeral? Uhhh, yeah. The guy from Quad City DJ's was vacuuming my carpets at the car wash last week. Ultimately unsatisfying? I guess so, cause I didn't tip the Quad City DJ's guy at the car wash.

Could this argument be made for several other genres of music? Yes, it could. I understand that trafficking in these generalizations is shaky ground. And I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that there are myriad hip-hop artists that transcend these generalization to make music that is quite special. But further to my point, rap has become so commoditized that a list of items goes into a rap single or album the same way the same list of items constitute 90% of all fast food menus. Guest rapper du jour? Yup. Big name producer? Yes. Diamond jewelry that deserves more attention than the lyrics? Check. Droning, mindless beat? Normally.

Popular? More than anything else that's out there.

Rage and Frustration

After reading my slam on Coldblah last week, my girlfriend approached me with, "Oh, that's right. They have a new album out. Can you download it for me?". Awesome.

I'll download it, but I'm not paying for it.

Sorry for slacking the past few days. I will get a post up tonight before the (?) The Hold Steady concert. Now that's a band you can set your watch to, as Abe Simpson would say.

God smiles on you. No, not you. Her.

White Castle Hamburgers: Shit or Crap?

Nostalgia is a fickle mistress. Well, not really, but it's kinda funny. Nostalgia is the saving grace of many awful, awful things. Such as:

• Baseball played at any level
• 80's rock bands
• Bell bottoms
• Visiting your old high school
  
• Stupid ex-girlfriends
• Adults at Disneyland
• Rick Reilly sports columns

I think there's a couple more that I'm leaving out. Nostalgia makes the ordinary, mundane, or awful...extraordinary, non-mundane, and non-awful.

Chefs have come to this realization fairly recently, and the phenomenon has spread rapidly. Probably due to the playful nature of the dishes at the French Laundry, where Thomas Keller has been putting sophisticated spins on dishes such as macaroni and cheese, coffee and donuts, and the cherished ice cream cone.

Now you know what I'm talking about. You can't swing a dead midget without having his or her corpse slam into some upscale steakhouse serving some twist on macaroni and cheese. Or grilled cheese and tomato soup. Or Kripsy Kreme, which just sounds nostalgic. Or s'mores. Or sliders. Sliders are everywhere.

[Segue]

Which slams us right into White Castle. White Castle is in almost every sense, charming. The "architecture" of their establishments, their thinly-veiled targeting of inbreds, their tiny little boxes, the way they make their staff dress like jackasses. It's like Johnny Rocket's for mouthbreathers. So these guys have HUGE nostalgia potential. And they better ride that nostalgia wave till it breaks, cause their food is absolute dogshit. They steam their hamburgers! And they're not even smart enough to hide that fact.

Here is how White Castle works on the supply side. They know they are serving "people who don't have a lot of disposable income". I'm guessing this had to do with some sort of beef or money shortage during The Great War, but I'm not sure, cause wikipedia didn't address this.

Anyway, you make the burgers small so that Rosie the Riveter and draft dodgers can fill up on bread while still being able to tell their other poor friends that they lived it up and went out for "hamburgers". Huge margins in bread. Touche, White Castle.

But that wasn't good enough. They had to continue to cut costs at every opportunity. Hire skilled labor that is able to turn over a hamburger after 12 seconds of cooking on it's 14 square millimeter surface area? Nope, too difficult. Let's poke holes in the burgers and cover them up so that they grill on one side and steam on the other. All the while robbing their indigent, rube customers of the precious, precious meat that was poked out and probably fed to a pig they stuff under their garbage disposal.

And their fries taste like fries I made when I was 12. In the oven. With a crippling head injury. Now THAT'S nostalgia!

Anyway, White Castle has increased its sales to 500 million. Up from 40 million in 1945. Not accounting for population growth, this clearly indicates that nostalgia is a force 12.5x more powerful than ignorance. If we could harness that power, we wouldn't need to drill in the wilderness for oil. But we probably would.

White Castle also probably got a free ride from the whole "Harold and Kumar" thing. Which is ironic. The whole premise of the film and its marketing campaign is that two stoners are making a poor dining decision because they are high on marijuana. Terrific stuff, guys. Other awesome ideas stoned people have:

• Jam bands
• Frisbee golf
• Watching American versions of Japanese game shows
  
• Taco Bell

You are responsible for consuming about 1.6 White Castle burgers per year. Can we stop that?


Yes, We Can!

My Top 25 Most Played on iTunes. Wow, This Is Personal.

A-Punk	Vampire Weekend	98
Cheer It On	Tokyo Police Club	83
Wave Of Mutilation	Pixies	77
Pile Of Gold	The Blow	76
Stuck Between Stations	The Hold Steady	75
Crooked Teeth	Death Cab For Cutie	74
Something To Look Forward To	Spoon	71
Pardon Me	The Blow	70
Debaser	Pixies	70
Dig For Fire	Pixies	68
abel	the national	67
Stay Don't Go	Spoon	66
The Con	Tegan and Sara	65
My Valentine	Rhett Miller	62
The Way We Get By	Spoon	60
King of All the World	Old 97's	58
Your English Is Good	Tokyo Police Club	58
Fake Empire	The National	54
Smoke You Out	The Donnas	53
Chips Ahoy!	The Hold Steady	52
Jonathon Fisk	Spoon	52
Ray Charles	Old 97's	50
Bullet and a Target	Citizen Cope	49
Small Stakes	Spoon	49
My Doorbell	The White Stripes	49

I Write a Little Something About Almost Every Band in the Lollapalooza Lineup, Whether I Know Anything About Them Or Not

Radiohead SEE LIKE THREE POSTS BELOW

Rage Against the Machine I DIDN'T REALLY WANNA SEE THESE GUYS A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT NOW I WOULD BE INTRIGUED. FREE LEONARD PELTIER!

Nine Inch Nails JUDGING BY WHAT I SAW OF THEM AT WOODSTOCK 1994, THESE GUYS CAN TEAR SHIT UP EVEN IN FESTIVAL MODE. I HAVE SEEN THEM SEVERAL TIMES BUT NEVER OUTDOORS OR AT A FESTIVAL. HIGH PRIORITY.

Kanye West HE'S GONNA TAKE THE STAGE REALLY LATE THEN BREAK HIS MACBOOK AIR BLOGGING ANGRILY ABOUT FAN RESPONSE TO HIS TARDINESS. PASS.

Wilco NEVER GOT INTO THEM AS MUCH AS OTHERS, BUT THAT'S WHAT FESTIVALS ARE ALL ABOUT. I WOULD GIVE THEM A SHAKE, AND IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT, I WOULD GRAB A TURKEY LEG AND GO SEE THE TING TING'S. JEFF TWEEDY DRESSES REALLY AWESOME.

The Raconteurs SAW THEM ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO. AMAZING SHOW, AMAZING BAND. GREAT ROCK, NO PRETENSE. THEY JUST KILL.

Louis XIV THESE GUYS HAVE BEEN PLAYING REALLY SMALL CLUBS ON THEIR PAST COUPLE TOURS. SURPRISED THEY MADE IT ON THE BILL. SAW THEM OPEN UP FOR HOT HOT HEAT A FEW YEARS AGO AND THEY SANG ABOUT GETTING LAID. LIKE, THAT'S ALL THEY SANG ABOUT. THEY WERE PRETTY GOOD.

Love and Rockets THESE GUYS ARE GOOD. I WOULD SEND MY FRIEND TO THE STAGE AND HAVE THEM TEXT WHEN "SO ALIVE" CAME ON. IF IT DIDN'T SUCK, I WOULD HAVE THEM TEXT ME AGAIN WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR "NO NEW TALE TO TELL"

Gnarls Barkley WOULD WALK BY THE STAGE AND LOOK UP, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. I LIKE MY CONCERTS ROCK AND ROLL-Y OR HIP-HOP-Y. THESE GUYS AREN'T MUCH OF EITHER.

Bloc Party THEY ARE VERY PERCUSSIVE. ANOTHER BAND I DON'T MIND, BUT AREN'T MY CUP OF TEA. THINK TOKYO POLICE CLUB DOES MORE WITH A SIMILAR SOUND

The Black Keys I GET THESE GUYS MIXED UP WITH THE BLACK LIPS, BUT I THINK THEY ARE THE BLUES DECONSTRUCTIONISTS THAT DON'T HAVE THE PHRASE "BLUES EXPLOSION" IN THEIR NAME. I'M SEEING THEM IN TWO MONTHS. FAIRLY EXCITED.

Broken Social Scene THIS BAND IS FROM CANADA. I DON'T THINK THEY'RE GOING TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE EVER. JUST HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT OF TIME AND THEY'RE ONE OF THOSE BANDS THAT I HAVE HEARD ABOUT FOREVER AND JUST FEEL LIKE I MISSED.

Lupe Fiasco THIS GUY'S LIVE SHOW KICKS ASS. BEST HIP-HOP SHOW I HAVE EVER SEEN. LIVE BAND, ALL SONGS IN THE CONTEXT OF AN OVERARCHING STORY. REALLY GREAT SHOW. RAPPERS TEND TO SHIT THE PROVERBIAL BED IN CONCERT, SPECIFICALLY IN LARGE VENUES. LET'S HOPE HE PLAYS UP THE BEST ASPECTS OF HIS LIVE SHOW FOR A HUGE CROWD.

Flogging Molly YOU CAN'T NOT DOUBLE-FIST BEERS WHEN THEY ARE ON STAGE. THEY ARE A TON OF FUN. AND THE LEAD SINGER IS REALLY FUNNY.

Mark Ronson HE IS A DJ AND PRODUCER. HIS SISTER KISSES LINDSAY LOHAN. HE DOES A PRETTY BITCHIN' REMIX OF TOXIC FEAT. ODB, AKA BIG BABY JESUS, AKA DIRT MCGIRT. LIFE'S TOO SHORT FOR DJ'S AT THE EXPENSE OF LIVE MUSIC.

Cat Power FEEL LIKE IT ALREADY DOESN'T MATTER THAT I MISSED HER OR NEVER LISTENED TO HER SINCE SHE'S BEEN AROUND.

The National YES!!! STELLAR DRUMER, GREAT BAND. ONE OF MY 5 FAVORITE BANDS RIGHT NOW. IT WOULDN'T FEEL RIGHT IF THEY WEREN'T PLAYING AT NIGHT. I SAW THEY PLAYED THE BROOKLYN POOL PARTY A FEW WEEKS AGO. THAT'S KINDA FUCKED UP. I LOVE THE NATIONAL, BUT THEY WOULDN'T PLAY MY POOL PARTY.

G. Love & Special Sauce NOT MY THING, MAN.

Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings HEY! IT'S THE FIRST BAND I'VE NEVER HEARD OF! I'LL PASS. YAY!

Explosions in the Sky THEY DO ALL THE MUSIC FOR FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS I THINK. I WOULD WANT TO JUMP OVER A PUDDLE IN SLOW MOTION WHILE THEY WERE PLAYING. THEN LOOK UP WITH SWEATY HAIR AND BROODING EYES. APPARENTLY, THESE GUYS ARE OPTIMAL FOR ME UNDER VERY SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCES. I WOULD TOTES CHECK THEM OUT.

Brand New I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD KNOW THESE GUYS, BUT WILL PLAY IT SAFE AND SAY I DON'T THINK I DO. HONESTY FEELS GOOD.

Gogol Bordello OH GOD YES. AWESOME SHOW, AWESOME SINGER. KICKING MYSELF FOR NOT HAVING CAUGHT THESE GUYS IN DALLAS A FEW MONTHS AGO. A GREAT FESTIVAL BAND, I WOULD THINK.

Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks WE'RE GONNA SLOW THINGS DOWN A BIT FOR COUPLES-ONLY SKATE. PAVEMENT TRULY IS MORE THAN THE SUM OF ITS PARTS.

Dierks Bentley I THINK THIS GUY HAS CURLY HAIR AND KINDA LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THE MEMBERS OF HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH. IF I'M WRONG, I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO EVERYONE. NO ONE COMES OUT ON TOP THERE.

Okkervil River I LIKE "OUR LIFE IS NOT A MOVIE OR MAYBE" A LOT. BUT I HEARD FROM THE CO-AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG THAT I SHOULD LEAVE THE TICKETS AT WILL CALL AND NOT BOTHER GOING. I ABIDED. WOULD DEF WALK BY THEIR SET TO SEE IF I NEEDED TO YELL AT MY CO-AUTHOR.

Amadou & Mariam THEY SOUND LIKE PEOPLE I WOULD BEFRIEND ON A CRUISE

Blues Traveler UNLESS THEY'RE REPRISING THEIR PERFORMANCE FROM THE END OF KINGPIN, OLD PENNSKI'S GONNA PASS.

John Butler Trio NAH, NOT FOR ME. THEIR NAME MAKES THEM SOUND REALLY BORING. DON'T HAVE TIME OR INCLINATION TO INVESTIGATE FURTHER.

Girl Talk I WOULD DEF CHECK THEM OUT ON THEIR NAME ALONE. PLUS I'VE READ A LOT ABOUT THEM RECENTLY. EASIER TO WALK BY THE STAGE AND CHECK THEM OUT THAN TO BORROW THEIR ALBUM. AND A BETTER BAROMETER FOR HOW MUCH I'LL LIKE THEM.

Your Vegas CAN'T IT BE OUR VEGAS?

CSS I HOPE CSS STANDS FOR SOMETHING. HAVE HEARD OF THEM, DON'T THINK THEY'LL MAKE MY TRIAGE LIST UNLESS I LISTEN TO THEM WHILE I'M HAVING AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE

Eli "Paperboy" Reed & the True Loves PROBABLY NOT THE SAME "PAPERBOY" WHO SINGS "THE DITTY". PROB NOT INTERESTED.

Battles WOULD CHECK THEM OUT. BEEN LOOKING FOR MORE ELECTRONIC MUSIC RECENTLY AND THE LANDSCAPE SEEMS TO BE RIFE WITH SOME PRETTY GOOD ELECTRONIC-CENTRIC BANDS OUT THERE.

Steel Train REGGAE. PROB NOT FOR ME.

Jamie Lidell
Bang Camaro
Butch Walker
The Blakes

Mates of State "MY ONLY OFFER" IS ONE OF MY SINGLES OF THE MONTH. OR LAST MONTH. IT'S A REALLY GOOD SONG. THANKS WHITNEY MATHESON OF POP CANDY FOR TURNING ME ON TO THEM. VERY DANCEABLE.

Tally Hall
Spank Rock
White Lies
Brazilian Girls
Magic Wands

Chromeo GREAT NAME FOR A BAND. WOULD CHECK THEM OUT. ALSO KINDA IN MY ELECTRONIC MUSIC WHEELHOUSE, FROM WHAT I HEAR. HAVEN'T HEARD THEM BUT WOULD CHECK THEM OUT.

Electric Touch
Duffy
Innerpartysystem

The Kills SAW THESE GUYS AFTER THEY FINISHED IN THE SMALL ROOM AT HOUSE OF BLUES AND CAME INTO THE BIG ROOM WHERE A VERY POPULAR DALLAS COUNTRY BAND (THE BOYS NAMED SUE) WAS PLAYING. IT LOOKED LIKE ROBERT SMITH AND WENDY O. WILLIAMS STEPPED INTO A HONKEY TONK. VERY FUNNY. SUPPOSED TO BE REALLY SEXY. HARD TO BE SEXY AT A FESTIVAL.

The Postelles
Rogue Wave
The Parlor Mob

The Go! Team THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE! REPEAT: THE FOX IS IN THE HENHOUSE!

Bald Eagle
Mason Jennings
Krista
The Gutter Twins
Ha Ha Tonka
Yeasayer
Witchcraft

Grizzly Bear I LIKE "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE". I DON'T LIKE THEIR OTHER STUFF THAT MUCH. I WOULD BE HUNGOVER EATING DEEP DISH PIZZA WHEN THEY ARE PLAYING.

We Go To 11 NOT A TIMELY REFERENCE.

MGMT APPARENTLY THEY ARE THE HOT BAND WITH THE MTV CROWD. I DIDN'T KNOW THE MTV CROWD STILL LISTENED TO MUSIC.

Sofia Talvik
The Weakerthans
Booka Shade
Santogold

Black Kids I CONFUSE THEM WITH THE COOL KIDS, WHO ARE BLACK. VERY TRICKY STUFF
Black Lips

Dr. Dog I WOULD WATCH THIS CARTOON.

Nicole Atkins & the Sea SOOTHING.

The Ting Tings THESE GUYS ARE PRETTY GOOD, BUT I HAVE A REAL BEEF WITH IPOD COMMERCIAL BANDS. I'LL ADDRESS THIS IN A FUTURE POST.

Kid Sister
Office

The Cool Kids THEY SHOULD TEAM UP WITH BLACK KIDS AND SAVE ME A HEADACHE. I HAVE A REAL SOFT SPOT FOR SELF-AWARE RAPPERS, SO I WOULD TOTALLY SCOPE THEM OUT. AND THEY DRESS LIKE YOUNG MC DID.

What Made Milwaukee Famous AT THIS POINT I HAVE MADE A LITTLE GAME OUT OF LONG I CAN AVOID ACTUALLY HEARING THIS BAND. MOST PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY GO THEIR WHOLE LIVES. WHOA.

Does It Offend You, Yeah? I'M TRYING TO GET INTO THIS BAND BASED ON THEIR NAME, WHICH IS A REFERENCE TO THE BRITISH VERSION OF THE OFFICE. I HAVE A 60% SUCCESS RATE IN TRYING TO LIKE A BAND BECAUSE OF THEIR NAME. NOT BAD.

The Whigs
Manchester Orchestra
Foals
Uffie
The Octopus Project
Cadence Weapon
Ferras
De Novo Dahl
Noah and the Whale
Margot & the Nuclear So and So's
K'NAAN
Serena Ryder
Newton Faulkner ADD "SYNDROME" AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A HORRIBLE AFFLICTION

We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes.

Not my article, but a good one nonetheless. Mine are generally funnier. And less informative.


Qdoba Versus Chipotle
Now that the McDonalds versus Burger King dialogue is old hat, the new argument is: Qdoba versus Chipotle. Which of these growing high-end fast food chains provides a better burrito experience?
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Bennigans Nationwide Closed Forever and Ever

Story here. Score one for the little guy! Except for all the little guys that were working at Bennigans. They're unemployed now. Score one for the food snobs! Yeah!

I actually have a soft spot in my heart for casual dining restaurants such as Bennigans, TGI Fridays, and Chili's. While they oughtn't (!) be the cornerstone of one's diet, I can't explain the majesty of seeing the Hard Rock Cafe sign over the horizon while I was incredibly "drunk" in Amsterdam. "Drunk" from all the "beer".

However the security blanket of casual dining is quickly becoming infected with the smallpox of rapid expansion, brand extension, and franchising. No longer can I trust the Chili's at the airport to compare with my fond memories of bland fajitas and overpriced chocolate milkshakes during my childhood. The Chili's at the American Airlines terminal in LAX betrayed me with awful, overpriced food. Really. Just overpriced shit.

"Penn, it's an airport eatery. What did you expect?"

First of all, you don't know me well enough to ask me that. Secondly, I expected the reliability and quality (don't laugh) associated with the Chili's name to supersede the craptacular consequences of not allowing knives and intelligent people to work past the security gates at an airport (prove me wrong, dipshits!).

this is what sadness looks like

Anyway, it seems that, somewhat unsurprisingly, casual food chains reached market saturation and whored their names out like common whores. The effect? Instead of mocking the concepts in good nature a la "Office Space", people just stopped going. It's one thing when your giggling self spies a Dutch Hard Rock with squinty little eyes. it's another thing when Joe Eighteen-pack realizes that he doesn't need to eat at Chili's for lunch cause HE'S NOT TRAPPED IN TERMINAL E, AND HE HAS A CHOICE. By expanding their brand into airports, restaurant chains practically beg patrons to connote the chain with something they are relegated to, rather than something they choose. In the Venn Diagram of dining, the overlap between the "restaurants at which I dine in airports" and "restaurants at which I dine when not in airports", the overlap is pretty damn small. In fact, I'm gonna say that the two circles are on distant sides of a giant canyon, waving at each other like idiots. And you have to take off your fucking shoes to get from one circle to the other.

Goodbye, Bennigans. Death by Chocolate it sadly wasn't.

Coming soon: How Applebee's Went from Being America's Largest Restaurant Chain to America's Largest Chain of Bus Stop Shelters!

Fuck yourself, Applebees.

"Constructive Summer" by The Hold Steady

My God! That Man's Head is a Radio!

After 4 rough days, long lines, and almost no sleep, I'm back from Comic-Con 2008. I really think it was the best one in recent memory. I can say without question that J.J. Abrams new show "Fringe" is going to exceed all expectations.

I would also like to say one more thing to all the haters out there that think Comic-Con has become co-opted by the mainstream media and now is mass marketed to all the entertainment buffs out there: The times they are a-changin'!!!!

My god, that was exhausting. And a lie. I didn't go to Comic-Con. And don't think I ever will. However, I feel that at least my attendance at the event would lend credibility to my blog and push it over that "5 reader hump" I've been hearing so much about. At most, it will get more web hits cause I've mentioned Comic-Con already like 4 times.

If you have read my blog post on the "chickens" of the music industry (see a couple posts below), then you'll realize I find this to be a divisive issue that has monopolized a disproportionate amount of my precious, precious time. Equally intriguing to me is the phenomenon of Radiohead. I don't particularly like Radiohead, but I guess I respect them because so many people I respect live and die by them. Radiohead's music has just never made that big an impression on me. But I certainly don't hate them. And many critics and friends share this sentiment with me.

as talented as he is retarded-looking

Which isn't a bad spot to be in. At best, you're worshiped (i feel there should be another "p" in "worshiped" but my spell-checker says otherwise. Moving on). At worst, you're respectfully dismissed with little prejudice. I guess if this was a blog about sports and music, then Radiohead would be Brett Favre. But you can't eat Brett Favre. Legally. So we'll have to find an analog more in line with the theme of this blog.

What food would Radiohead be?

If anyone read this blog, this could be a contentious issue. I will pretend people do read this blog and tread lightly to make myself feel important. Radiohead would be a "good" food. Not necessarily in terms of taste, but in terms of esteem. And divisive. They would not be a hamburger or a sno-cone. Radiohead also seems more ethereal than a simple "steak" or "lobster". That is to say, they are as much an indulgence as they are a meal.

My initial instinct was to make Radiohead foie gras. But foie gras is divisive in the wrong way. Foie gras is divisive because some people aren't thrilled with the idea of a goose having its feet nailed down to a board and being force fed via a beer bong until its liver swells up to roughly the size of a "The Real Ghostbusters" lunch box. This isn't what Radiohead is about. While I know very little about Radiohead, if I saw Thom Yorke lightly tapping nails into the webbed feet of our fine-feathered friends, my regard for Radiohead would travel south of respect into the depths of "bewilderment" or "abject horror". So they're not foie gras.

What they are is caviar. I don't like caviar. It tastes like exactly what it is - fish and eggs. Not only do I not mock the people who like caviar, but I envy them. I envy them cause caviar is so damn classy. Just like Radiohead. Caviar and Radiohead are both things I want to like, but just don't. Like New York City and Frisbee Golf. So it is said, so it shall be done. Radiohead is caviar. But not Beluga cause they aren't that elitist.


Speaking of caviar. I attended a soiree on Friday night and had an "edible cocktail". The name "edible cocktail" threw me for something of a loop, as I considered "edible" to be synonymous with "able to be put in your mouth". Considering I wasn't an Icelandic girl who insereted vodka into her system by other means during their 4 months of night, I didn't really see the need for specificity. It turns out that edible means "eatable". Shocking.

Which wasn't redundant. But it was a misnomer and a terrible lie. They were essentially little flavored Jello cubes. Blood Orange and vodka was innocuous enough. I then tried one that sounded repulsive, but I wanted to to try nonetheless in my continuing efforts to be super-classy. Vodka and Caviar. The Jello portion was clear and unflavored, save for the vodka taste. The inside was fish eggs.

This was definitely not an "edible cocktail". After some sucking and chewing on vodka flavored Jello, you get to the fishy middle. Stupid little fish eggs that I would find in my teeth for the next couple hours. It really just tasted like shit.

Besides serving as notice that I attend crazy-awesome parties, this story demonstrates that although I don't like caviar, I wanted to like caviar so bad that I subjected myself to flavor-terror in the hopes that something would change. And if going to a Radiohead concert was as easy as popping a bullshit vodka candy, I would try that too.

(And that my friends, is how you bring a story back home)

Until next time, keep your heads in the clouds and your cocktails potable.

Dining Soundtracks Vol. 1 - "(Untz) (Untz) (Untz) The Trendy Restaurant"

Right now, the thought of having to write extensively on any of the bands from the previous post makes the back of my eyeballs sting, so I'm postponing it for a day or two.

Very briefly, I would like to discuss one of the many intersections of music and food - music at restaurants.

I have studied the restaurant experience practically for virtually all my life and academically for much less, but haven't ever gotten a consensus or "answer" to how people like their music in restaurants.

Talking to one restaurateur in San Diego, he said that the most important thing is that diners feel the music, without really hearing it. This is obviously done with an emphasis on low-end frequencies and music sans vocals. You know the stuff. It sets the mood the same way a back-lit bar does - generically and somewhat effectively. Acid jazz, trip-hop, whatever. Zero 7 are the undisputed kings or queens of this vibe. Morcheeba would be a prince or princess. As certainly as you expect to hear elevator music while shopping or in an, um, elevator, you can expect to walk into a trendy hotel or restaurant and hear that hip, electronic music. See also, The Bird and The Bee, The Blow, Hot Chip, Mates of State, Postal Service, Sneaker Pimps, A Tribe Called Quest. These guys all gnereally keep the bpms up high enough to bring energy to a joint with out being outspoken enough to dominate the experience. Hence the "feel and not hear" phenomenon.

It's certainly prevalent. It's certainly not innovative. But it works pretty well. If you're gonna do something trite, you might as well make it agreeable and most importantly, put it in the background. Music is divisive. While I make fun of a band like Maroon 5 at every opportunity, as I said before they are pretty bland and inoffensive. And when you want the food and conversation to be the stars of the show, the lowest common denominator is a pretty good choice. Could you imagine if you were sitting down to a $75 per person meal and were subjected to T-Pain, Def Leppard, or Nirvana? If the restaurant got it right, it would probably be one of the best experiences of your life. If the restaurant gets it wrong, it probably ruins the meal. And what are the odds of nailing it for any given person? 5%? 10%?

Dining is often as much about your company as it is about the food. While atmosphere (music) is important, I would say playing to loud music in a restaurant is in an unwise gamble in almost all instances. And this is coming from someone who hates people and loves music.

Even if you exist in a market that is deep enough to embrace a weird combination like Punk and Sushi, or New Wave and French food, do you really think that people would want to experience the combination more than once. I have never been with anyone who intimated that they wanted the music turned up in a restaurant. Which leads me to believe that perhaps the McCool music playing in high-end, high-energy restaurants, doesn't just appeal to people from a preferential standpoint, but perhaps from a more base, psychological standpoint. Someone should do more research on the subject (Not it!).

The Original White Meats - U2, Coldplay, Dave Matthews

In an effort to give some insight into what we here at YHWYE are all about, allow me to share with you the impetus for this journal's creation. Someone somewhere (I think it was Anthony Bourdain) said that nobody takes chicken seriously as a dish anymore, because it's basically a default choice for people who a) cannot make up their mind, or b) just don't care. Which kinda makes sense when you consider how prevalent chicken dishes are on the menus of generic chain restaurants versus their prevalence on the menus of "better" (read: haughtier) restaurants. Chicken in our culinary landscape has become a vehicle for grease and cheese.

Not unlike Coldplay.

My awesome chicken story above is representative of my thoughts on many mainstream bands today. They are inoffensive stopgaps for people who either don't know any better or just don't care. Which makes them horribly, horribly offensive to many people who are passionate about music in the same fashion that a fluffy chicken breast covered in cheese and bacon is offensive to someone who is passionate about food.

Like almost everything to be discussed in this blog, the issue here is 100% a matter of taste, both literally and figuratively (neat!). Now I realize that if I was to hold both food and music in truly equal regard, I could pose the question, "What dish or restaurant would be the U2 of cuisine?". But that would sound completely more ridiculous than the question, "Which band is the cultural equivalent of chicken?" Which is a completely, unridiculous, valid question.

So I made a little list, as I'm wont to do from time to time. The criteria was essentially, "What are Whitey's favorite bands?". Who sells out arenas not with passionate fans, but with law firm luxury suites, and mouth-breathers clad in the trendiest fashions from two years ago? Who do Sex and the City fans like? What tickets are the most absurdly overpriced?

Those are the expanses of the search. Now time to filter. Clearly Pavarotti tickets are, by common standards, absurdly overpriced. (Note: I think Pavarotti might be dead, deeming all future Pavarotti tickets wildly overpriced). But his audience is discriminating and overwhelmingly rich. Fans of 311 are not either of these things. Streisand falls into the former category as well. Celine Dion and Barry Manilow straddle this line with remarkable grace.

Further, the decision of many to attend a concert or buy an album by these "chicken" bands is more cultural than musical. Which is a more prevalent phenomenon than I am willing to admit, if only because the cultural motives are relegations. Gotta go to two concerts a year, might as well be U2. Let's all pile into our Honda elements and 3-serieseseses and hear 'Beautiful Day' just like it sounds on the album!!! I'm upsetting myself. Let's move on.

Before the list, let me say that inclusion on this list does not constitute my passing judgment. Some of these bands I abhor, while some I simply mock. They are all incredibly palatable. Which is probably why I hate so many of them. One or two I might like. Try to guess. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with the answer.

note - italicized bands have black members or fans

• U2
• Coldplay
• The Dave Matthews Band (black members, no black fans)
  
• Matchbox 20
  
• Snoop Dogg (one black member, many black fans)
• The Police (no black members, possible black fans)
• Maroon 5

That's all I got for now. Back to dive into the above bands in the next post.

In the interim - Who are your "chicken bands"? Indulge me in the comments section. And by doing so, indulge yourself.

The Power and The Fury, aka "Welcome!"

Why hello there! We didn't hear you come in! Forgive us if we don't shake your hand! Ours are all covered in Coldplay and marzipan!

Surfing the internet today, I noticed a paucity of websites that discuss two of my passions (food and music) in tandem. If you know of a bunch of really awesome sites that have been doing this for years, please keep them to yourself, as it would make me look like an asshole. I found websites, magazines, and TV shows that cater to way more esoteric topics in tandem, such as Punk Rock and Baseball (Chin Music), Hip-Hop and Cars (Dub), and Perverts and Children (Boys Life and Highlights).

Now you're probably saying, "Penn, those are published magazines. You guys write an unread blog on in a dusty corner of the internet. The comparison is hardly apt".

Fuck you. We are doing our best. Take your MySpace ass to the curb.

Anyway, without discussing too much the virtue and value of hospitality and entertainment that food and music provide, I feel that both food and music were ingredients, nay, requisites for 90% of the good times I have enjoyed these 28 years into life. The other 10% probably involved sex or rollerblading. To what extent these two (food and music, not sex and rollerblading) are tethered or involved with one another is certainly something we at YHWYE intend to explore. The extent to which these things may totally exist but we are unable to discuss in an organized, lucid manner is also unknown. But probably large.

We also really like making fun of things and being pretentious about food, but that's really just incidental to our nobler pursuit of that shit above. Will we always agree? No! Will it always be entertaining? Probably not! Will we keep doing it until we win you over? Doubtful, but we'll see!

So to all the friends, family, and weirdos out there: Hang on! It's gonna be an exclamatory ride!!!

How would you like it? Well Done.

How we got started:

P:what you got on your grill?
M:mainly chicken.

P:chicken is for people who can't make up their mind. It's the vodka tonic of the culinary world.

M: Who is the chicken of the Indie World?
P: Vampire Weekend.



If Music was Food....
coldplay and u2 are the chicken of the non indie music universe
nickelback is the undercooked chicken ridden with salmonella
kid rock is the fatty part of a salisbury steak - not the actual steak, but the gristle
Creed is the arby's.... you can actually get creed and nickelback as a two for two beef and cheddar
foo fighters are the pork chops
radioheaad is the big mac:you like it, even though you shouldnt because everyone likes it
can kid rock be the mcrib?
Tegan and Sara are an Oreo mcflurry
the raconteurs are In n' Out Burger....the usual food, but done way better than everyone elsecould spoon is chicken
tokyo police club are the pinkberry
death cab is seared ahi...a little better, but totally played out
The national are a decadent dessert you eat off a naked lover
Apples in stereo are ethiopian food
Mychemical romance is a slim jim
The pixies are black cod in a miso glaze
the talking heads are breakfst for dinner
mars volta are korean food. You wanna like it, you're supposed to like it, but just not that great....
andrew bird is succulent lobster
Queens of the Stone Age are red lobster
MGMT is the applebee's
black rebel motorcycle club is the burger joint on the corner
brian jonestown massacre is the tofurkey
green day is fridays at the airport
dan deacon is the corndog
postal service is tea and scones when it's raining
ghostland observeatory are the thundercloud subs...fucking amazing but you dont want them to expand outside of austin
rilo kiley is a tuna roll
mates of state is a turkey sandwich with avocado and mustard
french kicks are spaghetti and meatballs
ryan adams is taco bell. Sounds like a good idea but dissappoints EVERY FUCKING TIME!
Justice is subway, hot chip is quiznos. chromeo just sucks.
LCD soundsystem are the chipotle
fujiya and miyagi are the freebirds
presidents of the usa are smoothies
Britney spears is the chicken stuffed stix that rotate on metal logs at 7-11
avril lavigne is the sweaty hot dog rotating
good charlotte is the nacho at 7-11; pete wentz is the chili topping
eminem is the cheeseburger bite
the donnas are the hot dogs on hollywood at 2:30 am wrapped in bacon with onions and jalapenos
we are scientists are hummus and pita
arcade fire are indian. Good and satisfying, but absolutely no fun.
Sheryl Crow is funyons
TV on the Radio is a philly cheese steak
thievery corporation is shwarma
tom waits is jambalaya
the verve is chicken noodle soup
REM are english muffins. weird and not very necessary
pearl jam, coincidentally are like jam- sticky and reminds you of the past...
alice in chains is the peanut butter
nirvana is the bread holding that Grunge sandwich together
Dave matthews is now tuna casserole...something that seems dated, weird, and totally undesirable- Jack Johnson is the tuna salad. John Mayer ist he Hamburger Helper. Ben Harper is the Tuna Noodle Helper.
beatles are pizza, stones are mac and cheese
stones are one note but beatles change from day to day
the monkees are the craft mac and
bruce springsteen is stoufers french bread pizza cause he burns the roof of your mouth EVERY GODDAMN TIME!
bon jovi is the ramen noodle soup- chicken flavored.



P: albums come out on tuesdays...the wed or thursday before an album comes out, we each write a review based on our preconcieved notions, then teh type of food we EXPECT it to be. Then on tuesday or a couple days after, we write an actual review and the food the album is.

P:we can talk about our meals and compare them to.....wait for it....BANDS-SO IT WORKS BOTH WAYS
"this cracker tastes like natalie merchant's solo work